


I Don't Care if My Heart Breaks

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abelism, Alternate Universe-Non Magic, Angst, Blind Character, Blind James, Bookshop, Cerebral Palsy, Disabled Character, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, abelist language, issues of self-esteem, mentions of abuse, modern marauders, musician sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-23 01:22:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6100202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Remus Lupin begins his job working at the Stag and Doe Bookshop, he doesn't anticipate much.  But he's immediately brought in and treated like family by the Potters.  It's there he meets the struggling musician, Sirius Black.  Although he tries to ignore what his gut is telling him about the disastrous guitar player, he finds himself unable to help his ever-growing feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I've been plotting this one for a while. I can't promise frequent updates or long chapters because I have a lot on my plate right now, but I'll update when I can (I don't anticipate it going more than four, MAYBE five chapters, but we'll see) This prompt came from an anon request who wanted a character with triplegia spastic cerebral palsy. I'm also including anon request for Blind!James and Musician!Sirius.
> 
> Please be warned for potential triggers- in this fic Sirius deals with self esteem issues which are the result of an abusive childhood and an unhealthy relationship. It's Sirius/Gilderoy and although they're together in the beginning of the fic, I'm not going to be writing many scenes regarding their relationship and endgame is Wolfstar (their split happens in chapter two) so it's not tagged in the relationship tag.
> 
> If I've missed anything please let me know. I will update tags and rating as I go. x

Leant on his crutch, Remus stared across the street at the wooden door of the bookshop. It looked older than it rightfully should have. The shop had been open all of six weeks—he’d checked before heading over, just to be sure he had all his facts straight. The Help Wanted sign, shitty and printed in Comic Sans of all things, was still hanging in the window which meant six days had gone by and he still wasn’t too late.

He really didn’t want to do this. He knew what would happen. He’d go in and they’d act like the crutches didn’t bother him, like they couldn’t see his spastic hand, like they were unbothered by the whole affair of him actually needing some accommodation. “You’re really well qualified, we’ll definitely be in touch.”

He might ring up in two weeks, just to hear them fumble, or pretend like they didn’t remember him, or say something like, “Oh we decided we couldn’t afford to take on another employee.” Sometimes, if he was feeling particularly vindictive, he’d go and shop there again—just so he could see the new employee fumbling round doing far worse than Remus would have done if people would just educate themselves on disability.

Remus Lupin had cerebral palsy. From birth. They couldn’t be entirely sure what cause it, though when he was ten and his mam was incredibly ill she’d confessed it probably had something to do with oxygen deprivation at his birth. “They kept telling me not to blame myself, but how could I not?”

She died six months later and Remus sometimes did blame her. When he was feeling angry. Not like he asked for this life. He was incredibly smart and struggling his way through his final year of University but he knew ultimately it would lead to nowhere. Disability services were shit in every country, including England. The pittance they paid him in place of working barely afforded him his tiny flat and one take-away a month.

It would be better if he could just get a damned job, but most employers took one look at him and decided he was better off just collecting from the government instead.

They never gave him a moment to show what he could do. 

Running his hand back through his curls, he bowed his head and reached for his crutch. He had to give it a shot. It was a new bookshop who needed help and Remus could provide that. He had an open timetable meaning he could work any shift. And was willing to.

Looking up and down the street, he was amazed there were no cars—though that didn’t guarantee his safety considering how long it would take him to cross the narrow pavement. He clenched his spastic hand round the handle of his crutch, then grabbed the other, slipping his arm through the cuff, and began his walk.

It was now or never.

He really wanted it to be now.

*** 

Sirius slung his guitar up over his back as he reached for the handle and threw open the door. Exiting the studio, he took in a lungful of the foggy air, wincing when a few misty drops of rain fell onto his head, but it was better than the smell of old cigarettes which he guessed came somewhere from the seventies.

He made himself feel better about it sometimes by imagining that it was a smoke clenched between Ringo Starr’s teeth as the Beatles wrote one of their classics, but he knew there was no way they would have ever recorded with this shite production company. Not even when they were barely-knowns.

But Sirius would take what he could get. He had the damned talent. He was an officially signed artist, and if he could meet his deadline, his first single would be released to the public in exactly six weeks.

Six weeks before his voice and his guitar blared over the radio waves. Possibly globally, if they could get him marketed well enough. He had a unique sound, a high tenor, raspy and captivating. 

Music was his first love, his only real love this far in life. He’d come from a family of anger and hate—a family who detested him for who he was. He was supposed to be married by now, and in politics. He was supposed to have brought honour to his family and instead he’d run away after a particularly vicious beating by his family to live with the Potters.

He’d been publicly disinherited and spent the next several years in and out of therapy trying to manage the psychological damage his parents had done to him with neglect and abuse.

The music was a little bit of a fuck you to them, really. That and his incredibly public relationship with the model, Gilderoy Lockhart. He would get weekly letters threatening to sue him for slander every time the pair were caught in the tabloids.

Sirius partly wondered if the reason he stuck with Gil—who was really not a very nice person at all—was to make sure his parents noticed him. Noticed he didn’t regret his choices.

Partly he had a feeling that he was there only because he knew what a mess he was, and never felt deserving of proper love.

Though he wouldn’t admit that to himself. Or to anyone.

Not Sirius Black.

As he strolled down the pavement, his mobile buzzed and he swiped it open. There were two texts—one from James confirming that Sirius would be getting Harry that afternoon, and the second from Gil who was responding to one Sirius had sent days ago.

**Soz, was busy. Back tomorrow so I might find time for you then. Laterz.**

Sirius tried not to feel the sting as he answered James, letting him know Harry was on his agenda, and would swing by the shop soon with the tiny sprog. He listened to the rhythmic clicking of his motorbike boots on the pavement, and wondered if there would ever be a moment in his life when he’d have what James did. Love, affection, family.

Sirius had it in him, but it wasn’t the same. 

But Sirius just did what he did best—ignored it. Stuffed it down into a tiny box like it didn’t exist and went back to his grin. To believing everything in his life was exactly as he planned it.

*** 

The bell to the shop dinged loud as Remus pushed the door open, and he winced. It was fairly empty, which made things easier as he reached back, patting his CV which was only slightly wrinkled in his pocket. The shop itself was accessible enough, and made Remus relax a bit knowing if he got the job and he’d have to use his chair, he’d be able to navigate well enough.

There were a handful of shelves, wide enough for several people to walk through, and his only real obstacle was a set of stairs which led to a landing. Remus couldn’t tell if it was for employees only, or if there were books up there, but he figured he’d ask about it.

Turning, he looked over at the cash counter, which was sat in front of a door to an office. A moment later, a tall bloke with dark skin and incredibly wild hair stepped out. He reached out, touching the counter, a grin on his face. “Can I help you?”

Remus licked his lips, trying to meet the bloke’s eyes, but after a second he realised why that was impossible. The man was blind. “Er. Yes hi, I saw your sign in the window. About help wanted.”

The slightly strained smile relaxed almost instantly. “Oh yeah? Come round, will you? Into the office?”

Remus cleared his throat. “Sure alright.” He waited until the man turned and made his way back in before he started to cross the room. It took him longer than it normally would have, his nerves getting the best of him. He wanted this job, and he wanted to believe a person with a disability might not discriminate once he learnt Remus had one as well, but that wasn’t always the case.

Even disabled people grew up in abelist society. Sometimes they bought into believing able-bodied was better. Remus had come across it too often.

Taking another breath, he moved round the corner of the counter, past a stack of books neat against the wall, and through the door. His crutches clinked loudly, his feet scraping along the floor as he slipped out of the cuffs, and he leant them on the wall as he pulled a chair out.

The owner was now sat behind the desk, hands folded over his flat stomach, still grinning. “I’m James, by the way. James Potter. I own the shop.”

“Ah. Remus Lupin.”

James leant forward with his right hand out, and Remus sighed. His right hand was the spastic one, which meant he had to give the most awkward shake with his left, though James’ smile didn’t falter at all. Remus eased himself into the chair, gripping the armrest with his left hand so tight, his knuckled ached.

“So. You saw our sign, yeah?”

Remus cleared his throat. “I did. I’m a massive book lover, so it caught my eye.”

James chuckled. “Exactly what we were hoping for. My wife and I run the shop, and I’ve got one other employee but she had to reduce her hours so we need someone to fill in. Normally we’d do it all ourselves, but my three-year-old demands a lot of attention.”

Remus shook his head. “No that’s…that’s perfectly fine. I have no real obligations to speak of.”

“Exactly what I want to hear.”

Remus shifted, reaching for the CV and he smoothed it out on the desk. “Er. I have my CV.”

James reached his hand out, and Remus passed it over. “I’ll have Lily give it a glance over, but you know, I prefer to hire based on face to face, so I’m not too fussed.” James reached over, feeling for a small stack of papers, then stuck it on there. “How old are you, Remus?”

“Twenty-six,” Remus said.

“Student?”

“Ah. Yes, but my courses are online.”

James grinned. “Alright then.”

“I should erm…” Remus knew there was no easy segue into telling James about the CP. It was easier when they could see him and assume, or just ask. “I have cerebral palsy. Which I manage just fine. Normally I’m on crutches but there are days I need my wheelchair.”

“So the stairs might be an issue,” James said.

Remus felt his cheeks go hot, and he tried to read James’ tone, but it was difficult not knowing the man. “I could manage it if I absolutely have to but…”

“It’s no worries,” James said, his smile going very easy and soft. “It’s mostly stock up there. Everything’s logged in our computer system so if someone’s looking for something, you won’t have to go searching the stacks.”

Remus felt his shoulders relax. “Oh. Well alright.”

James took a moment to go over the wages, which was a decent amount if Remus was being honest. “And then really we’ll need you Wednesday to Sunday, usually a closing shift. I’m here most days, but I’d like to have the weekends with Lils and Harry.”

“Er…”

“Wife and kid,” James said with a small laugh.

“Oh. Right yes,” Remus said.

“So point of it is, once we get you trained up and comfortable, are you agreeable to longer shifts?”

Remus blinked, then blinked again. “I…are you…offering me the job?”

James laughed, the sound delighted as he sat back. “I am. Unless you’ve some reservations. It’s not very physically demanding, and I do have a very strict system which absolutely must be followed. For obvious reasons. But I like you.”

Remus licked his lips. “I’m sorry if I’m being rude, but do you really think it’s responsible to hire someone based on the fact that you like them?”

James’ grin, if possible, got wider, and Remus had to wonder how it didn’t crack his face in half. “I think you just proved me right simply by asking that, you know.” Leaning forward, he clasped his hands on the top of the desk. “Look, I know I’m taking a risk. You could be absolutely lying to my face right now and I wouldn’t know. The crutches could be fake, and you could have known I was in here on my own with no one to help verify. But I don’t think so. And if for some reason you fuck me over…then you do. And I move on and don’t make the same mistake twice. But I always trust my instincts, Remus. And my gut is telling me I ought to hire you. So if you’d like the job…it’s yours.”

“I…” Remus had never in his life—not his parents, not mates at school, no one—had someone given him the benefit of the doubt like this before. “I would. Yes. Thank you, Mr Potter.”

“James. Honestly, always James.”

“Alright then. James.”

James extended his left hand out this time, and Remus felt something unknot in his chest. “So are you free at the moment? Because I’d like to get you trained up as soon as possible and there’s no better time than now. Lils is in tomorrow and she can sort out all the new hire paperwork.”

“I…yeah. I’m absolutely free,” Remus said, and as he rose to follow James into the main area, he wondered if maybe this wasn’t the start to something amazing.

*** 

A tiny hand grasped in his, Sirius and Harry headed for their favourite café for a latte and hot chocolate. “Paddy?”

“Mm, yes sproglet?”

“I want cake. Can I haff a cake?”

Sirius laughed and tugged on Harry’s hand as they reached the doors. “You can have a cake, absolutely.”

They stepped in and went to the counter to order, Harry picking out the biggest slice of chocolate cake they had in the window, and the pair went outside to eat it before heading back to the Potters’ shop.

“Your parents are going to murder me,” Sirius said, swiping a bit of chocolate from Harry’s nose.

“Why?”

“Oh because they think I’m irresponsible and inappropriate.”

“I like appapropwiate,” Harry said, licking his spoon then shoving a scoop of cake into his hot chocolate mug and stirring.

Sirius grimaced, but before he could chide the kid, his mobile began to chime. He looked down and was surprised to see Gilderoy’s name flashing on the screen. “Hallo.”

“Ah darling, I wasn’t sure I’d reach you.”

“I’m just sat at a café right now with Harry.”

Gil made a displeased noise in the back of his throat. It was no secret he had no taste for children—which included the Potters’ boy, but for all that Sirius often compromised things he loved for his boyfriend, Harry was off limits. “Well I’d like to see you tomorrow.”

“I’m free. I’ve just got to pick up Harry after school, but you could meet me at the shop.”

Gil groaned again. “If I must. But we’re staying at mine, alright?”

Sirius tried not to sigh. Gildeory lived in Ipswich and absolutely hated the train back to London, but what was he to do? Gil refused to stay in London most of the time, only agreeing if he was too pissed to bother with the drive back to his. “Alright. How long are you here for?”

“A week, I think. They’ve got me booked in a Gucci shoot in Prague, then another I believe in Hong Kong, so I’ll be gone at least a fortnight for that.”

Sirius wasn’t entirely sure what to say, and looked over with a grimace as he saw most of the cake was now muddy mash in Harry’s cocoa. “Well I’ve got to run. Need to get the sproglet back to his dad. Chat later?”

“Mm, might do.”

Gil rang off without ceremony, as he always did. Sirius sighed and wondered what it would be like to have sweet I love yous, to have a bubble of excitement at the thought of spending an evening with a lover.

But it was not for him, he supposed.

Grabbing a napkin, he began to mop up Harry’s face, hoping to erase most of the evidence before Lily saw him. When they were done, he grabbed their things and made the short trek over to Stag and Doe.

Pushing the door open, Sirius heard James’ cheerful voice coming from the office, and he poked his head inside, surprised to see another person sat behind James’ desk. Sirius’ first thought was the man was incredibly fit. Adorable in a very sort of unconventional way. Where Gil was sharp edges and a polished smile, this one had a mop of wild curls, olive skin peppered in freckles, and a large nose. He gave Sirius an uncomfortable smile, which showed a slight overbite Sirius found immediately endearing, and his amber eyes held some reservations which Sirius could appreciate.

“Dada!” Harry cried, immediately clambering into James’ lap.

James let out a laugh as he picked the boy up, giving him a tickle before he kissed his cheeks. Settling Harry down, James turned his face toward the door. “Pads?”

“M’here,” Sirius said, reaching out to give James’ shoulder a squeeze. “We stopped for a sweet.”

“I can smell it all over him. Lily is going to murder you where you stand.”

“I haff cake,” Harry said.

“Did you? Was it absolutely delicious?” James asked, putting his nose into the boy’s wild locks.

Harry nodded. “Mmm yep.”

Sirius cleared his throat then, and James straightened. “Oh. Hell, I’m sorry. Si, this is Remus, he’s the new hire. Remus, this is my very best mate, Sirius Black.”

Remus didn’t offer a hand, which set Sirius on edge a little, but he shrugged and offered a salute instead. “Hello.”

“You’ll see him often,” James went on to explain to the new bloke. “Sirius is my unofficial well…everything, I suppose.”

Sirius felt his cheeks light up a little, always unsure what to do about the praise James gave him. Mostly because it was so genuine, and Sirius never understood what he’d ever done to deserve someone like James Potter.

Either way, he took it and put a hand on James’ face, kissing him on the lips gently. James hummed happily, reaching up to squeeze Sirius’ arm. “How was he today? Any reports from the teacher?”

“He’s nearly got his name. Or well, half of it anyway. And they’re working on their colours next week.”

“Good boy,” James said, ruffling Harry’s hair again. “You want to go play for a bit?”

“Um. Yep,” Harry said, then wriggled out of James’ arms who then rose and reached out for Sirius.

“Be back in a tick,” James said to Remus, then he and Sirius walked into the main area where Harry was now pulling his lego from behind the counter. “Seems alright, doesn’t he?”

Sirius glanced back at Remus who was now absorbed in something on James’ computer. “I dunno. Seems a bit rude.”

“You’re one to talk,” James said, but smiled and pulled Sirius closer. “I like him.”

“Has Lils met him yet?”

“No, but he’s sticking round til she gets here. I’m sure it’s going to be good.”

Sirius had no idea where James got his outlook on life, but he wished some days he could borrow it. “Keep me posted. And you know you can rely on me if you need help. I keep telling you.”

“Yes, but you’ve recording all the time and I can’t ask you to take time from that.” James moved his hand up to Sirius’ shoulder, then cupped the back of his neck. “How was it today?”

“Not bad. We’re ahead of schedule right now.” He worried his bottom lip for a second. “Gid’s back in the city.”

Sirius didn’t miss the way James’ face immediately tensed. He knew his best mate had never been fond of the poncy model, but had respected Sirius’ choices in partners. Or until recently when he’d begun to pester Sirius about deserving better.

“Are you not able to get Harry then?” James asked.

Sirius’ eyes went wide. “What? Of course I can. I’m heading to Gid’s tomorrow evening, but you know Harry comes first.”

James relaxed a fraction, moving his hand from Sirius’ neck to his cheek. “I know, love. I’m sorry I just… you know how I feel.”

Sirius bowed his head and leant into the touch. “I know. I…well I’m an idiot, what can I say?”

“You’re not,” James said in a hard voice. “You are not an idiot. I love you.” He pulled Sirius into a firm kiss. “Anyway, you’re freed from Harry duties if you like. You should go rest. I just have to get Remus here trained up so I can start having quiet weekends.”

“Well you know, if you need me to fill in at all, I’m for it. I’m still on for your and Lily’s holiday, alright?”

James grinned. “You’re the best.”

“Nah,” Sirius said, but he grinned widely.

*** 

Lowering himself onto his sofa, Remus carefully picked through the events of the afternoon. He was a bit overwhelmed, not by the fact that he’d got the job, but how it all seemed to avalanche a bit. He’d gone in just hoping they’d give him an interview, and come out not only hired, but asked to stay on a shift to start his training.

Remus was a bit put off by the sudden appearance of the best mate. The man was good looking—criminally so with chiselled features and lush black hair. He had the rockstar vibe, something which had always put Remus off a bit, but he was fairly quiet and really good with the kid.

James had been another story entirely. Remus had been a bit on edge, wondering if he was being patronised, but when Remus saw the way James mother-henned his mate, he relaxed. James’ system was definitely on the fussy side—for reasons that were obvious, but Remus was able to handle it and he was no idiot. He took to everything with ease, and James was well-pleased by the end of the afternoon.

Remus had got on with the kid too, which surprised him. Remus had never been a “kid-person” so to speak, finding them too sticky and talkative and all around bothersome. But Harry at one point had sat at his feet to play with his lego, and had offered to share his sandwich James had given him. 

In the evening, just before Remus was dismissed for the day, Lily had come in. She was the direct opposite to James—a bit sarcastic and no-nonsense, but Remus immediately liked her. She sat with him and went over his CV, asking the practical questions like, “What sort of accommodations will you need on the day to day?” and “Some of the position requires some stocking shelves, how comfortable are you with that?”

She didn’t shy away from mentioning his disability, but didn’t let it define his ability to perform the job either, and Remus decided she was a very good sort indeed.

“I’ll be seeing you tomorrow,” James said, just before Remus headed out. He had a hand on Remus’ shoulder lightly, squeezing it just a bit. “I’m really pleased you came into the shop today.”

Remus wore his first, genuine smile that day. “So am I. Thanks again, mate.”

Now that he was home and relaxing, he thought at the very least, things could be looking up. Stag and Doe wasn’t his ideal career, but he’d take it. He’d take anything where people didn’t talk to him like he was a child. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but he would settle for content.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh the pining begins.

“Sirius.”

Blinking, startled to hear his name, Sirius glanced up. His lap was still full of the small child intensely watching Hotel Transylvania, and he remembered he had been in the middle of a conversation with James, and had drifted off. Again.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

James sighed. “Lily says you’re sitting weird.”

Sirius licked his lips and looked down. He was. He was shifted to the side because his arse and hips hurt. Gilderoy had been drunk and too rough and wasn’t listening. Again. And again Sirius had gone to sleep on the sofa because the moment Gil passed out, he took up nearly all of the space and Sirius didn’t feel like fighting his drunken boyfriend for a sliver of the duvet.

Gil had flown out to Prague that morning though, without so much as a goodbye to Sirius who had been up, having tea. It had been a quick, “Leave the key with the morning housekeeper,” then the slam of a door.

Sirius wondered for the infinite time why he was still doing this.

“You’ve gone quiet again. Not to remind you, mate, but as your blind friend I need some sort of verbal confirmation you’re not dead.”

Sirius swallowed. “Sorry, Jamie. I’m…it was a rough night.” Sirius watched James’ hands curl into fists and he sighed. “Not like that.”

“So what is it like, then?” James demanded.

Sirius looked at Harry. “Coffee as soon as Lily’s done?”

“Can you walk it?”

Sirius shifted Harry off his lap to the sofa cushion and adjusted himself sideways against James, leaning his head on his best friend’s shoulder. “Walking’s fine.”

James lifted his hand, finding Sirius’ chin to tip his head up, and kissed him gently. Sirius returned it, mouth too tense and closed and it gave away his tension, but James didn’t care. He brushed his knuckles along Sirius’ cheek. “I don’t know why you do this to yourself.”

Sirius nuzzled his face into the side of James’ soft t-shirt. “I don’t know either. I’m a fucking fool.”

Lily finished up not too long after, and was happy to shoo her boys out the door. She could tell things were getting worse, and it wasn’t the first time Sirius had spiralled. In the past it had only ever been James who could help him reach the ground without crashing and breaking into a million tiny pieces, and Sirius was profoundly grateful his best mate had managed to find a partner like her who didn’t balk at the closeness he had with James. Didn’t turn their nose up at how much Sirius needed him sometimes.

It was a nice day out, luckily. Mostly sunny, late spring warm, and only a smattering of foot traffic in the small village just outside London. James walked with his hand on Sirius’ shoulder, his cane tucked in his back pocket.

“Alright was it on purpose?”

“He was drunk…”

“So yes,” James filled in.

“He didn’t realise…”

“This happens every time, Sirius. He bloody well knows what he’s doing. I’ve got pissed and shagged my wife and I have never…” James took a tense breath. “When is enough going to be enough for you?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius said. He lowered his eyes to the ground for a second, carefully steering James round a bin near a low wall. “But Jamie, I know you and Lils love me and that’s all well and good. But it’s not like anyone else wants to put up with me.”

“First of all, you don’t know that. Because you keep dating these twats. Secondly—and I know this is easy for me to say this and not live it—but you don’t need someone to put up with you. You’ve got us and we’re not going anywhere.”

Sirius let out a tiny sigh. “It easier to say it. Because I want more. I want to be in love.”

“Don’t tell me you’re in love with that…”

“I’m not,” Sirius said in a rush. “I’m…I’m not even happy and I swear I’m going to break it off. I just keep thinking about the stress of it. I have to finish this recording and deal with the release and the press tour and I don’t know if I can deal with a split in the middle of that. What if he’s furious and decides to tank my record before it even has a chance? I’m brand new. I can’t deal with some PR nightmare before I even get started.”

James was tense, but he gave a curt nod and didn’t say anything as they reached the café. The queue was short, and within minutes they had their lattes and were back outside under a shady umbrella, the pair of them shoulder-to-shoulder in chairs near the window.

“Si, you are one of the most important people in my life. And I know this is your dream, so I understand.” James fiddled with the top of his latte, his fingers tracing round the concave letters in the plastic. “And I understand the reasons why you don’t want to end it. But this is abuse. Whether it’s intentional or not, and you can’t keep enduring this.”

Sirius rubbed his hand down his face. “I’m just…going to try to lay low for a while. Avoid him when I can, make sure I’m busy.”

James reached out, grabbing his shoulder. “Why don’t you come on holiday with us. We’ve invited you about a hundred times and…”

“I can’t. You know I can’t. It’s the worst timing and honestly the three of you _need_ this time away.”

“Not from you,” James said, and moved his hand to the back of Sirius’ neck, squeezing gently. “I just…I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself.” Just as Sirius opened his mouth, James sighed. “And don’t make a blind pun.”

Sirius snickered just a little and shifted a bit closer to James. “Fine. But next time you set me up like that, I make no promises.” He took a long drink of the latte. “So how’s it going at the shop. How’s the new bloke working out?”

“Brilliant,” and James couldn’t hide a huge grin. “He’s different. Snarky and a bit cold—but you can tell there’s more under it. I think he’s waiting.”

“For?” Sirius asked with a frown.

“Things to go to shit. Just like it was for me when I was trying to hold down at job after Uni.”

As James’ voice dropped, Sirius lowered his gaze because he remembered what it had been like for his friend. He hadn’t needed to work but the desperation to prove himself just as capable as any sighted person—and never once had he been given the benefit of the doubt. Only hired on the reputation of his father’s name, and then they always found “reasons” that he couldn’t stay on.

“You don’t think he trusts you, though?” Sirius asked.

James snorted. “Mate, even disabled people don’t have faith in other disabled people half the time. After a while he’ll understand he’s safe. And wanted.”

Sirius nodded, swallowing thickly. He hadn’t spent a lot of time getting to know the new recruit, which was silly of him as he’d volunteered to take James’ post whilst the Potters were on holiday. He knew that Remus was a bit edgy in his tone, that he didn’t fancy small talk, and that he got on with Harry really well which surprised everyone as Harry was a fickle kid who didn’t often take to strangers.

Of course Sirius was rather distracted with the whole his relationship being absolute shite and putting himself out there as a proper recording artist which would now either make or break his dream. So getting to know James’ new shop bloke hadn’t been high on his list of priorities.

“Well I’m sure he and I will get on fine,” Sirius said after a while.

“I’m sure you will.” James’ smile was soft—almost patronising in a way, but James was a mother-hen and Sirius was used to it by now. “Anyway let’s get back. I don’t want Lily in a strop because we’ve missed lunch.” He held out his hand and grabbed Sirius’ arm once more, tugging him into a hug and pressing a kiss to his cheek before resuming his position. “It’s going to be alright, Padfoot. You know that.”

Sirius let out a long, slow sigh. “Reckon I do.” But he wasn’t entirely sure he believed it.

*** 

Remus was having a bad day. It had started with falling as he was getting out of the shower. He was no stranger to falling. He rarely used his crutches or his wheelchair in his house, so he spent a lot of time using the walls for support, and a lot of time picking himself up from lying flat on the floor after losing his balance.

His mates over the years had gotten so used to the sight of him toppling over, no one paid it any mind anymore.

Though now he was alone, when he took a bad one—like slipping in the shower and heading to the right instead of the left—it was a bit worse. His hip had bruised to the point he didn’t want to put weight on it, so it was a chair day for him.

Not that he completely minded. The worst of it was the Looks he got when he was heading down the pavement. The staring, the wondering what happened. The pity smiled, cocking their heads to the side. The way they would actually bend over to speak to him as though he were a small child. Sometimes they’d infantilise their language and it made him want to stand up and punch them square in the face.

And maybe he had once or twice during his younger years, though now he was just too damned tired to bother.

He was a bit nervous though, being that today was the last day before James and Lily went on holiday. James had asked him to come in early before the shop opened to go over the final instructions. “Mostly just what to do if an emergency comes up, where to reach us. Typical rubbish,” he’d said the night before.

Remus had been working there a few months now, and had got the routine and James’ strict requirements down without any issues. And not once had Remus’ mobility come up between anyone. A few times customers had attempted to complain until James stepped up as the owner. And maybe they didn’t see those people again, but no one seemed fussed about it.

In truth, Remus thought he would hate the job because it was retail and not what he wanted to do in life. Yet he found himself loving the Potters—Lily with her experimental baking she’d force him to try, Harry with his childish curiosity and constant desire to drag Remus into building lego castles, and James’ bizarre but sweet brand of affection which came with random forehead kisses and calling everyone ‘love.’

There was Sirius as well, who came by nearly every afternoon with Harry. He rarely stayed long, and Remus wondered about him because for all that he was incredibly good looking, very posh, and rather snobby, he seemed miserable. His eyes were constantly drawn, and the other day Remus swore he’d seen him walking with a limp.

But he never asked. Sirius wasn’t his friend, it wasn’t his place. He merely offered as friendly a smile as he could muster, and went about his day.

Now though, Remus thought as he headed up the street toward the shop, he was regretting that a bit. Their only other employee for the moment was Dorcas—and she was a student meaning she only worked a handful of hours on weekends. So Sirius would be filling in for James whilst he and Lily were gone, and it meant Remus would be spending a good deal of time with him.

Alone.

And Remus wasn’t overly fond of making new acquaintances. Especially those who tended to walk round snobby and entitled the way Sirius did. Remus honestly couldn’t figure out the dynamic between James and Sirius, except that maybe it was they’d been friends so long it was a habit. James was too kind, and Sirius too aloof.

But he reckoned at some point over the next few weeks, he’d figure it out.

Reaching the shop, Remus pulled out his key, unlocked the door, and propped it open as he manoeuvred his chair in. Letting it close behind him, Remus flicked the lock back and headed for the counter. He could hear the clacking keyboard of James’ computer, and he poked his head round the door.

“Morning.”

James’ face popped up and he grinned. “Moony,” he said, using the nickname his small son had taken to calling him after seeing his one and only half-moon tattoo just below the crook of his elbow. “Alright?”

“Not bad. I’m in my chair today.”

James stood up, walking round the desk, and he reached out for one of the chairs, tucking it up against the wall so Remus could move his up to the desk. “Don’t let me forget that’s there,” James said with a laugh.

“I won’t.”

Taking a seat, James clasped his hands on a small stack of papers which looked fresh from the printer. “Well, we can keep this quick. I wanted to go out and get a coffee if you’re keen. Before we open. But I promised Lils I’d go over all this with you. Emergency protocol, where to reach us. Rubbish like that.”

Remus leant over the desk a bit to peer at the small lists printed on the paper. “It’s no worries. I mean, if she’s nervous about how I’ll do…”

“It’s nothing like that,” James said, shaking his head with a grin. “Honestly, she pretends like she’s calm but inside she’s the same as I am. She just hides it better.”

Remus had to laugh a little. “Fair enough. But I can almost guarantee you’ll come back to a shop not burnt down or succumbed to the lawlessness of a zombie apocalypse.”

“You’d better not have just jinxed us, Moony,” James said. “I’m not entirely zombie prepared yet.” After that, he handed off the lists to Remus, then used his own braille copies to go over them. “So, if that’s all sorted?”

“I’ve got it. And er…Sirius. Will he be here a lot or…?”

“Enough. Just to make sure you’ve got extra hands since Dori’s schedule is still shite and I’m not even sure she’s going to stay on with us.”

Remus licked his lips and wanted to tell James he didn’t _need_ extra hands, though that was a bit of a stretch. He knew realistically he couldn’t mind the shop all day every day and still have time for his own revising. “Well so long as he’s alright with it. I’m surprised he’s not going with you.”

“I kept asking, actually,” James said with a tiny sigh. He reached up, rubbing his face and then ruffled his already messy hair. “But he’s recording an album right now.”

Remus blinked, and realised just how little he knew about James’ best mate. “An album?”

“First ever.” James beamed with so much pride, you’d have thought he was talking about his own son. “He’s been working on it for ages, trying to distance himself from his rubbish family and their reputation.” There was a tense hardness to James’ tone that spoke volumes, but Remus didn’t ask. “He finally got a contract, and he’s going to be releasing his first single soon.”

“That’s brilliant,” Remus said softly. “I’m sure he’s excited.”

“Shit-scared is more like,” James said with a laugh. He rose then, feeling round his desk until he found his cane, then his keys and mobile. “Anyway, coffee?”

Remus shrugged. “Yeah alright. Hard to say no to extra caffeine.”

The pair made their careful way down the pavement to the café James knew would be easy for Remus to get in and out of in his chair. He walked a few paces ahead of Remus, his cane swishing gently back and forth, and they didn’t chat much until they got in and ordered.

“See clear tables?” James asked as he held his coffee.

“Er. By the window’s got a good on I can pull my chair to.”

James dropped his free hand to Remus’ shoulder. “Lead the way.”

*** 

A week later Sirius was certain he wasn’t going to be able to make it. He was a social sort of person, really. He hadn’t bothered trying to get to know Remus before this only because he didn’t have much of a reason to. He was either always busy with customers or stocking—or he was being used like a playground by Harry—which Sirius found in a tiny way, a bit endearing.

It wasn’t that Sirius didn’t like him, either. Remus was good looking—a mop of curls, big nose, adorable overbite when he did smile. But he was abrasive and Sirius didn’t have the time or will to charm someone new.

Only now it was getting the better of him. 

They’d been working together since James and Lily were gone, and Remus barely exchanged ten words to him during the day, all of which were customer related.

When Sirius did attempt to make small talk, he received either grunts or one-word answers and nothing more. Sirius wasn’t used to being so immediately disliked by people who were either not his family, or his less-than kind boyfriend.

It was a Friday, the shop had just gone through a short rush of customers, and Sirius found himself sat on the sofa near the window after the last customer exited. He was going through his messages—most of them from James checking on the shop’s progress, as Remus was sorting out some restocking behind the counter.

After sending James the all-is-well, he scrolled through and saw a missed text from Gilderoy.

It was always the most bizarre reaction to seeing his name, really. This bone-deep desire to read some actual, genuine affection from him. To know that Sirius was different enough to make Gilderoy actually care.

**Why do I hear that you’re working in a shop, Sirius?**

_I’m helping James and Lily. They’ve gone on holiday. Why?_

**Just wondering how you expect the world and me to take you seriously as a potential celebrity if you insist on slumming with the working class.**

Sirius felt his jaw tense. Gilderoy’s disdain for people grated on his nerves, mostly because of how much it reminded him of his mother. And not just that, but the utter disregard Gilderoy had for him as a person. He knew being in this relationship wasn’t good for him, and as often as he thought about it, he couldn’t figure out why it was taking him so long to walk away.

Was he really that desperate for affection and attention?

_There’s nothing wrong with helping out a friend. Or working in a shop. They’ll be back in a few weeks, and I’m still recording._

**Well keep my name out of your mouth whilst you’re there. Last thing I need is some rumour I’m shagging a shop boy.**

Sirius felt his chest go tight and he heard himself sniffle a bit before he realised he had done it aloud. Glancing over, Remus was watching him with a curious expression, leant on one crutch, his other arm holding a stack of books that looked a bit precarious.

He began his very slow trek across to the shelves, and Sirius really reacted without thinking. He banged his phone down and rushed over, trying to pry the books from Remus’ arm. 

“What the hell are you…?”

“Just trying to…”

The books and Remus toppled forward as Sirius knocked him off balance. His face erupted into a violent blush as he scrambled to help the other man up, but he was shoved away.

“What the hell, Sirius?”

Rubbing his face, Sirius took a step back. “I wanted to…help. With the books.”

“Why? Did it look like I needed it?” Remus groused. He was on his knees now, gathering them up from the floor, and when Sirius tried to bend down, Remus shoved him back again.

“I just…”

“You just what?” Remus snapped. “I’m capable of doing my fucking job, Sirius.”

Licking his lips, he took another step back. “I know that.”

“Do you do that to James?” Remus bit as he reached the shelf and began to push the books back into place. “When you see him doing something you _think_ he can’t do?”

Sirius mouth opened and shut in a rather fish-like manner. “I…no, of course not.”

“Well I’m not different than he is,” Remus snapped. “Christ.”

“I was just trying to help,” Sirius said. “And fuck you for being an arse about it!”

Unable to handle the wash of guilt coupled with his stress over Gilderoy, he turned on his heel and walked out the door, letting it slam behind him on the way out.

*** 

Remus was grateful to see the backside of Sirius, honestly. He’d been obnoxious during the entire week, getting in Remus’ way about everything, and attempting to do everything for him. To anyone else it might have seemed sweet, but Remus was tired of being treated like he was incapable of doing his job.

Grabbing the books from him had been the last straw, and he’d half a mind to phone James about it only to hope the shop owner could talk some sense into his friend. 

But Remus had a feeling there was more to it. He’d noticed the look on Sirius’ face just before. It was heartache—or something like it. And Remus had just been in the middle of feeling a bit sorry for him when Sirius struck.

Now he was gone and Remus managed to put the shop back in order on his own.

He expected the other man not to return, honestly. He’d settled himself behind the counter once everything was tidy, and he’d begun his revising he had fallen behind on. Just before closing, however, the bell sounded and with a resigned sigh, he looked up.

Sirius was there, looking sheepish with a brown paper sack clutched in one hand, and his guitar strapped to his back. “Hey. I erm…” He shut the door, locked it, and flipped the closed sign into the window. “I wanted to say sorry for telling you fuck you. You had every right to be pissed off with me.”

Remus blinked. “Did James tell you to say that?”

“No,” Sirius said, reaching up to tug on the end of his long plait. “I mean well he said I owed you an apology, but I only rang him up to let him know you’d probably be filing a complaint.”

“You’re not even an official employee here,” Remus said dryly. “It’s not like that would matter.”

“True,” Sirius said. He crossed the distance between them and banged the sack on the table. Something spicy filled the air, and Remus realised that he hadn’t even had a proper meal that day. “And also James is my…well…everything as far as family’s concerned so he wouldn’t do much more than tell me off. But it doesn’t mean he wasn’t right. And you.”

Remus blinked, then sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Just stop acting like I can’t do this job, okay?”

“I don’t…” Sirius began.

“You do. You’re constantly attempting to do tasks for me, and I don’t need you to. If I need help, I’ll ask for it. I actually will, because I don’t really like embarrassing myself.”

Sirius’ lips thinned, then he chanced a very small, not-quite-there smile. “I see why Jamie likes you so much. Anyway this is apology curry. Because I was a twat. It’s just some aloo gobi and dal tadaka and some naan. I got it from the shop Jamie likes best though, so you can trust it’s good.”

Part of Remus wanted to refuse and make Sirius suffer in penance a bit more, but he was hungry and Sirius actually did look apologetic. With a sigh, he carefully removed the curries, rice, and naan, then walked into James’ office for a couple bottles of water.

“We can take it to the sofa,” Remus offered.

This time Sirius’ smile was very genuine, reaching his eyes, and Remus felt his breath hitch in his chest just a little. When Sirius was himself—calm and a bit penitent—he was quite beautiful. He quickly snatched up the food, making a sort of picnic on the floor in front of the sofa, and kept to his side as Remus eased himself down.

“Was everything okay whilst I was gone?” Sirius asked, his tone a bit apprehensive.

Remus nodded as he pried open the container of dal and poured some over his rice. “Only a couple of customers, nothing mad. Were you…alright? When you left?”

Sirius’ jaw tensed, then he sighed. “Yeah. Just…dealing with an issue, but it’s fine. I went to the studio to do a little recording.” He reached behind him to thump on his guitar. “Kind of helped clear my head a bit.”

“Lucky, that. I don’t have any hobbies. I just revise until my eyes bleed and I pass out.” Remus grinned at him and took a bite of the food, and felt his stomach flutter a little when Sirius grinned back.

“You know I’ve heard that’s not healthy, Moony.”

Remus felt his cheeks heat up at how different the nickname sounded coming from Sirius’ lips. “Yeah well, neither is smoking or drinking, but I do that plenty and here I still am.” He shrugged his shoulder. “I think I’ll be alright. And you probably will be too.”

Sirius huffed a laugh, and the pair ate in silence for a while. “I just want to say thanks, I guess. For forgiving me. Honestly I didn’t deserve it.”

Remus sighed, leaning back against the sofa, and he looked at Sirius carefully. “Listen, I trust James and if he thinks you’re alright, I have to take his word on it. I just want…I just want to be able to come in and do my job and I don’t need you hovering over me. I have a mam for that and there’s a reason why I moved so far away.”

Sirius snorted. “I know how that goes. Okay well maybe not the fawning part. My mother was more the beating you senseless sort,” he stopped and blushed like he hadn’t meant to say all that. “But at least I understand the need to get away and just…be yourself.”

Remus cocked his head to the side, wondering a bit more about Sirius. But he still didn’t think it was his place to ask. “We should get going, you know? I still have to finish the totals today and…”

“Let me,” Sirius said, and when Remus started to frown, he held up his hand. “It’s only fair. I was a twat, then I ran out on you for hours. Go home, have a whiskey and a bunch of fags. Or maybe a cup of tea and a bath so you don’t rush headfirst into heart failure.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Do you know how to finish up the totals for the day?”

“I helped that bastard open this shop,” Sirius said with a sniff. “I actually own stock in it. So yes. And you can have the honour tomorrow since I actually have to skive off early for a recording session. Deal?” Sirius stuck out his hand, the right one, and Remus couldn’t help a small smile.

He took it. “Alright. Fair enough. Have a good night, Sirius.” Remus pretended like the grin he got in return didn’t send his head into a little bit of a spin.

*** 

The rest of the weeks went by far better than either of them expected. A tentative friendship sprung up between them, enough so that Remus felt far more comfortable and Sirius gave genuine smiles a bit more often.

They took turns providing coffees or take aways, and on the occasion at the end of the night when Sirius stayed, he’d play guitar as Remus did the end of day work on the computer. Remus was enthralled by the other man’s voice. He could absolutely see him skyrocketing to the top of the charts the moment his music was released. It was sombre, and there was a pitch he could achieve to make your heart instantly ache and your ears crave more and more and more of his sound.

“I hope,” Remus said on the last night before James and Lily’s return, “when you’re like disgustingly, Kardashian famous, you don’t forget the little people who bought you curry and made your morning tea.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, strumming a few chords. “Oh Moony, how could I forget your acerbic, sarcastic wit? In fact, I’m composing a song to it right now. It’s called the ballad of Moony. It’s mostly the word fuck.”

Remus couldn’t help his laugh as he nudged Sirius with his elbow. “You’re a twat.”

“And that’s the chorus.” He strummed a sweet melody, singing a long. “You’re a twat. You’re a twat. The entire world is a great big twat.”

Remus covered his mouth with the sleeve of his jumper, his eyes wet with mirth. “Oh my god, stop it right now.”

Sirius carried on, making up more and more ridiculous, profane lyrics until Remus was threatening to take his guitar away. “Alright,” he said, grinning wildly. He was pressed against the wall and Remus was right up close to him, his hand round the neck of the instrument. “Don’t hurt her.”

“Her?” Remus asked. His grip loosened, but he didn’t step back and both of them were flushed in the face.

“Elvendork.” Sirius caressed the side of the guitar.

“You named your guitar Elvendork?” Remus asked with a disbelieving snort.

“James helped,” Sirius defended. “It’s gender-neutral.”

“Oh my god you’re both idiots,” Remus said, and finally eased himself back onto the stool to close down the computer.

“You say the sweetest things, Moony. Really. You flatter me. I’m so glad we’re friends.”

Remus grinned, then blushed when Sirius nuzzled his nose right up against the side of Remus’ hair. His heart began to beat wildly, but before he could turn his head and see the expression on Sirius’ face, the other man was gone, backing away to put the guitar back in the case.

A little bit of disappointment flooded through him, but Remus knew better. Sirius was seeing someone—he didn’t know who and after hearing bits of conversation between Sirius and the person he was dating, he didn’t think he wanted to. But it was just as well. Remus hated dating. It never ended well and he just didn’t have it in him.

Friendship was better. He was starting to actually like Sirius and he didn’t want that to change.

“I should be off,” Sirius said. “See you tomorrow?”

“Actually I’ve four days off,” Remus said. “James and Lily are back.”

There was a flash of disappointment across Sirius’ face. “Oh. Right.”

“But they invited me over for lunch on Sunday,” Remus said carefully, watching for Sirius’ reaction. “So if you’ll be there…”

“I will,” Sirius said. “So yeah. See you then.” He gave a mock salute as he backed up toward the door, then he was gone.

The moment he was alone, Remus slumped over the counter and bowed his head. “Don’t you dare, Remus,” he scolded himself. “He is a disaster waiting to happen. Don’t you sodding dare.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go. Hopefully I will have this sorted by the end of the weekend. x I am really anxious to move on to some really fantastic fic projects I have in my queue, so I plan to sort out most of my WIPs soon. I have my 100th fic coming up and I can't wait to post it!
> 
> Be warned: this chapter deals with non-graphic descriptions of relationship abuse.

**Can you come to mine for tea tonight? Lily’s taking the closing shift so I thought it might be nice to hang out and Haz wants to see his Moony.**

_Of course. Everything okay?_

**Yeah no worries, mate. Mummy burnout.**

_See you then._

Remus wondered briefly if Sirius would be coming along as well. He’d only had a few chances to have lunch at the Potters seeing as he generally took the bulk of weekend shifts at the shop. The few times he had gone, Sirius had been there, and after their weeks working together, he and Sirius were something of friends.

Maybe nothing close. But something.

Last week Sirius had come by a few times with coffee or pastries in the mornings under the pretence of seeing James, only he spent most of the time leant against the counter chatting to Remus whilst James handled paperwork in his office. Remus could tell Sirius was unused to having proper friends. Even what he had with James and Lily wasn’t something Remus would consider normal—though what was normal these days?

But Sirius was a bit clingy. Not that Remus minded.

Mostly.

It didn’t help the tiny flame of a crush building in his gut. Sirius was like fuel and oxygen every time he was around. But Remus was nothing if not an expert at handling these things.

He did enjoy Sirius’ company though, and the coffees and the scones, so he wasn’t about to complain.

Only the last few weeks, Sirius hadn’t come round much except for his usual afternoons of dropping Harry to his parents. He was looking more tired, and more worn. Sad, Remus would say, but every time he asked after him he was brushed off. “He’s just working hard recording. I think it’s taking longer than he expected. It’s nothing though, trust me.”

Of course Remus trusted James to know his mate much better than he did, but something wasn’t sitting right with him about the whole thing. Still, who was he to question it?

It had been a while though, since he’d seen Sirius. The last time Harry had come bursting into the shop with his giant hellos, and Sirius hadn’t done more than poke his head round the corner and call out, “Gotta run. Ring you later, Jamie.”

If James wasn’t concerned, why should Remus be?

An hour later Remus heard the door bell and looked up to see Lily walk in. She looked a bit harassed, her hair in a messy plait down her back, and a brown stain on her shoulder. But she grinned and walked up to him, putting one hand on his cheek and dropping a kiss on the other.

“Hi, love. How’s it been today?”

Remus flushed under the affection, so unused to the casual way the Potters dished out hugs and cheek kisses. “Er, dead mostly. Maybe ten customers in all. And half that in sales.”

“I shouldn’t be pleased about that,” Lily said as she flopped onto the sofa with a groan, “but I am. I’ve half a mind to flick on the closing sign and just sit here and read all night.”

“Harry that bad?” Remus asked. He leant on the counter for balance as he shuffled his way around it. 

“He’s just testing my limits today. James had to help out at this centre for the blind—he does it every now and again for teens who are going through occupational therapy—and he was gone all afternoon. Harry decided to colour on the walls, then on the kitchen floor. Then get into my makeup. Then smear foundation on half my dresses, and throw my keys and mobile into the toilet.”

Remus’ lips twitched. “Ah. That sounds…”

“You can laugh after you leave,” Lily scolded. “Anyway, after the fourth time he spent screaming because I wouldn’t let him have chocolate cake for lunch, I gave up. The moment James walked in the door, I told him I was going to piss off and good luck. Worst of it is, Harry’s probably going to be much better for him. Bloody child plays favourites.”

Remus chuckled softly and grabbed one of his crutches to help him to the sofa. He sat down and reached out, giving her knee a squeeze. “Will it help if I tell you that you’re _my_ favourite?”

“Yes, in fact. If you didn’t fancy blokes so much I’d suggest we run away together,” she said with a wink. Leaning over, she rested her head on his shoulder. “I’m happy we did all this, with the shop. You know? But it’s stressful. We’re not quite breaking even yet—and it’s not finances I’m worried about specifically. But we’re relying heavily on James’ family money and I’m afraid he’ll use it all up before letting the shop go. And I grew up with no money so I know how to get by, but he doesn’t. And with Sirius we just never know…” She stopped.

“You never know what?” Remus pressed.

Lily bit down on her bottom lip. “Just don’t say I blabbed, okay?”

Remus raised a brow. “Of course.”

“He just…he can spiral. He spiralled as a teen, after his parents chucked him out. He had the Potters who took him in and everything. Legally. You know, he was never without, but he hated being dependent on them. He’s got a hair trigger and his self-worth is…” She let out a bitter laugh. “I don’t think he ever had any.”

Remus’ eyebrows both shot up. “Sirius? But he’s so…” He flushed. “Well he’s so good looking and his personality is so strong. I mean people are just drawn to him.”

“I know,” Lily said, taking Remus’ hand gently in hers. “It’s funny because he’s such an arrogant little shit, but every scrap of attention he tears himself up over because he doesn’t feel like he deserved it. Some days I want to just go up to Chelsea and set his mother’s home on fire. The number she did on him.” Lily shook her head. “And James gets torn into pieces. Between me, Harry, Sirius, and the shop. And he will always take care of Sirius. No matter what. At the expense of almost anything.”

“Is…has something happened?”

Lily shook her head. “Nothing specific, but James and I can see the signs. He’s not happy, and if this album release doesn’t go well…”

“What about that bloke he’s seeing?”

Lily let out a harsh laugh. “That fucking ponce? Sirius keeps him well away from us because he knows James will probably lose control and beat the shit out of him. But Sirius has a bad habit of dating people who mistreat him. And we can all thank his mother for that, as well. He doesn’t quite understand that it’s okay to let people love you for the sake of loving you, and not because they want something from you.”

Remus felt his gut twist. “Well have hope. I think he’ll do alright.”

Lily sighed. “You’re a good man, Remus. Really good. I am so glad you walked in and got a job here.”

Remus laughed. “I’m not that great, trust me.”

“Yes, love,” Lily said, looking him dead in the eye. “You bloody well are. Now go on. Jamie’s waiting and I’ve already paid for a cab.”

Remus hesitated. “You didn’t have to. Really. I could easily take the bus and…”

“It would take ages and I think James wants the company. You’re going to be spoilt with us, just accept it.” She gave him a font pat on the cheek before pushing herself up and heading to the counter.

Remus didn’t say much, but he gathered his things and headed out to where a cab was, indeed, waiting. He climbed into the small, black car, and didn’t need to give direction as it sped off in the direction of Godric’s Hollow.

*** 

Remus rang the bell, and a second later, the door flung open and his legs were enveloped by tiny arms, a small voice crying out, “Moony’s here!”

A moment later, James’ face poked round the corner. “Harry, give him some space!”

Remus chuckled, releasing the handle of one crutch to ruffle Harry’s messy locks. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah!” Harry said, flinging himself backward until he collided with James’ legs. James let out a startled cough, then reached down to pick the boy up. “Fly me!”

“Not right now,” James said in a slightly stern tone. “Let’s let Moony inside so he can get comfy. And I still have to mind dinner.”

Harry pouted, but didn’t resist as James led the way to the lounge where Remus shucked his crutches off to the side of the sofa, and eased himself down onto a cushion. Harry was let down after that, and he bounced on his toes directly in front of Remus.

“I haff a new book, Moony!”

“Do you?” Remus asked, raising his brows. “You want to show me?”

“Yeah!” Harry raced off up the stairs, falling upward a few times and making James wince.

“Easy, Harry! No running on the stairs.”

“Oh-kay!” Harry shouted back, not listening at all as he hurtled himself onto the landing.

James sighed, easing himself on the opposite cushion to Remus, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “All morning, apparently. He’s calmed a bit for me but…no one warned me about this mad stage.”

“And I’ve heard it only gets worse,” Remus said, making James grimace.

“Thanks, mate. Really.”

Remus chuckled. “Any time.”

Before they could carry on a proper adult conversation, Harry came rushing back into the lounge with a hard-back, brightly coloured book in his hands. He all-but flung it at Remus before shoving himself onto Remus’ thigh, tucking himself against the crook of Remus’ elbow.

“You can read to me, okay?” Harry said. “Daddy can’t. Is not haff daddy words yet.”

“He means it’s not brailled,” James supplied with a slight grin. “Which apparently is the worst thing in the world because it’s _lego_.”

“It’s lego Obi Wan,” Harry said, and as Remus picked up the book with one hand, Harry flipped open the cover. “See!”

“Ah yes,” Remus said. “Well, how about you turn the pages and I’ll read it?”

“Remus really,” James began, “you don’t have to.”

“It’s fine. I don’t mind at all.”

Harry grinned and snuggled against his chest as he began to read, very carefully turning the pages when instructed. As the book carried on toward the end, Harry scrunched up his nose. “We hate Jar Jar, right daddy?”

“Oh yes,” James said solemnly, hiding a grin. “We do.”

“Yeah,” Harry said, and flicked the lego image of him. “Okay all done!” He slammed the back cover down, picked up the book, and threw it onto the floor.

James let out a sigh and bent down, feeling out with his fingers until he touched the book, then set it on the table. “Are we supposed to leave things on the floor for daddy to trip on?”

Harry at least bothered to look a little sheepish. “Um. No.”

“Next time?”

“On the table,” Harry avowed.

Remus chuckled. “Good lad. You want to go and play now?”

“No,” Harry said. He glanced down at Remus’ arm, then up at his dad, then reached out and grabbed James’ hand, shoving it on top of a particularly vicious looking, thick scar. “Daddy what’s that?”

James looked immediately apologetic as he tried to tug his hand away, though Harry held on with an iron grip. “Sorry he…it’s how he shows me things.”

“No it’s fine,” Remus said. “It’s a scar. It doesn’t bother me.”

“Why is it?” Harry asked as James traced it a little, then pulled his hand away.

“Ask Moony,” James instructed.

Harry turned his face up. “Why is it, Moony?”

“Well,” Remus said, shifting his arm out a little bit more, “I was born with a very stiff hand. Like this.” He curled his hand into a tight ball, and rested it on his thigh for Harry to see. “Then the doctors decided to do a surgery which would make my hand able to move.”

Harry’s small hand reached out, putting it on top of Remus’. “Is it all better now?”

“Not all better,” Remus said. “But I can hold my crutches, and other things.”

“Can you hold hands? Can you hold my hand, Moony?”

Remus laughed and opened his palm up. Harry’s small hand slipped into the centre, and he let his fingers close round it. “Yep, see. I can indeed hold hands.”

“Okay. Then is okay if you can hold hands. Right, daddy?”

“Right-o, Haz,” James said.

Harry extracted his hand and sighed. “Okay bye.” Then he tore out of the room.

James leant his head sideways against the cushion. “I am so sorry. He’s…he’s grown up asking questions and…”

“I don’t mind,” Remus said in a rush. “Kids aren’t like adults. They just want to know, they want to understand.”

James gave a quiet sigh. “I know. Just when you think you’ve got a handle on it…”

Remus smiled tensely. “It’s not always all bad though.”

James laughed, reaching out to squeeze Remus’ knee. “Nah, it’s not. Fell in love with Lily for many reasons, but one of the biggest was her not letting me get away with anything. Sirius hated her for it at first, until he realised she was giving me exactly what I needed.”

“Normalcy?” Remus asked.

“Exactly.”

Before Remus could say anything else, the doorbell sounded, and they immediately heard Harry’s footsteps pounding on the floor as he rushed for the door.

“It’s Padfoot!” Harry cried.

James’ eyebrows rose. “I didn’t think he was going to make it.”

Harry quickly flung the door open as Remus leant forward to get a look at him. He looked worse than the last time Remus had seen him—tired with dark circles under his eyes. When Harry grabbed onto his wrists, demanding to be picked up, Remus did not miss the visible flinch of pain.

He swallowed, saying nothing just yet. James was on his feet, heading for the door and he grabbed Sirius into a hug, eliciting yet another grimace which he was unable to see.

“I thought you were busy all day?”

“Technical difficulties, and Gil didn’t want to hang round,” Sirius muttered. “You got room for one more?” He then spotted Remus on the sofa. “Oh. Hey, Moony.”

Remus didn’t miss the strain on the cheeky grin Sirius shot him. “Hey yourself.”

“Fly me, Paddy!” Harry shouted, bouncing in Sirius’ arm making him grunt with pain.

James noticed that bit, and frowned, reaching his hands out to Harry. “Be a plane later, Haz. Let Paddy sit down and you and I can go finish up cooking.”

“Okay!” Harry cried, then let James carry him into the kitchen as Sirius eased himself into James’ vacated seat. 

He glanced at Remus and offered a small grin. “Alright there?”

Remus blinked at him. “Not bad. You?”

There was a flicker of hesitation before Sirius shrugged, and leant back. “You know me. Busy busy.”

“Hmm.” Remus stared at him, debating if he wanted to blatantly call him out or not. Remus had seen people abused more times than he wanted to count, and he wasn’t sure he would be doing Sirius any good by drawing attention to it.

And yet, seeing him suffer, in spite of only knowing him a short time, was hard. After a second, he merely reached over and grabbed the spot Harry had. He didn’t miss the flinch.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sirius blinked and didn’t move his arm, but his face shuttered closed. “Not sure what you’re on about, Moony.”

Remus sighed, then wrenched up Sirius’ sleeve, revealing the bruising. “How many of these do you have right now?”

Sirius’ jaw clenched and he determinedly looked away. “It’s nothing.”

“Alright.” Remus dropped his hand back to his lap and sighed. “But…it’s not nothing. I’ll let you have your secret, and I won’t even tell James—though it’s hardly fair because his disadvantage is that he can’t _see_ it and if he could, he’d have spotted it straight away.”

“I…”

“But if you want to talk about it,” Remus continued, “I’m not going to judge you.”

*** 

After that the atmosphere was tense, and Sirius avoided Remus as best he could. It was obvious to both James and even little Harry who was acting up in order to try and make everyone smile. But eventually it was time for his bath and bed.

“Will you two not burn the house down or kill each other whilst I’m upstairs?” James demanded, hoisting Harry up on his shoulders.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Yes, dad. We’ll be good. I’ll take my smoke outside.”

“You’re not supposed to be doing that, Sirius. You have to sing.”

“Yes well, I’ll make the sacrifice. And who knows, maybe it’ll make me sound all mysterious.”

“I refuse to dignify that with an answer,” James said with a huff. “Keep an eye on him, Moony.”

Remus huffed a laugh. “As though it would make a difference?” But he knew he was going to follow Sirius outside anyway, which he did a few minutes later.

His crutches clinked loudly as he wrenched the door open to the back garden, and he heard it echo off the far neighbour’s wall. Sirius glanced up at him, then snickered. “So any chance of you being a spy is right out, innit?”

Remus put his crutches to the side, then eased himself down on the stone step. “See, that’s a common misconception of spies. We don’t need to be quiet, we need to be forgettable. Or the type no one would suspect. People think my disability makes me unable to perform even the most basic duties, so they would never assume I’m Britain’s most notorious art thief.” 

Sirius’ grin widened. “Yeah? What have you stolen?”

“A couple of Monets. And two Van Gogh. Also a few Da Vinci sketches which unlocked mysteries to the church, but they were stolen off me before I could get to the Vatican.”

Sirius snorted and leant in, nudging Remus with his shoulder. “You’re an idiot.”

“And you’re too conspicuous to be a spy,” he retorted, ignoring the rush of heat in his belly from Sirius leaning into him. He licked his lips and looked up to the sky.

“It’s true. Everyone always thinks I’m up to no good,” he said in a near whisper.

“When it’s the pretty ones, the ones that people believe are too beautiful to ever do wrong, that hurt everyone the most.” Remus saw Sirius’ gaze snap to him out of his periphery, but he didn’t look over. “Is it your boyfriend?”

“Why do you care?” Sirius demanded. “What’s it to you? You don’t even like me. You made that quite plain when we met.”

Remus finally looked over. “That’s hardly fair, Sirius. When we met, you were a sodding git about everything, and I thought we got over all that.” He let out a sigh and moved just a little closer. “And I care because I thought we were friends. And frankly friends or not, no one deserves to be treated like that.”

Sirius licked his lips, then dropped the cigarette to the ground, crushing it with the heel of his boot. “Please don’t tell James. He’ll do something stupid and ruin it for his family.”

Remus bowed his head. “I won’t. But you owe him an explanation. He loves you more than anyone on the planet.”

Sirius let out a choked laugh. “I know it, mate. And it’s so misplaced. I have never done anything to earn that love.”

“You exist,” Remus pointed out. “And that’s enough for him. Should be enough for anyone, really. You shouldn’t have to earn your right to be loved and accepted.”

Sirius’ swallow was thick and audible, catching in his throat. “He doesn’t meant it. Gil. I mean…okay that’s a fucking lie. He does. He gets arsefaced and violent and he’s such a prick. And he’s never, ever sorry. He’s a model, and so fucking concerned with his image, he puts that above everything else. He’s embarrassed to be seen with me, and he only wants me because he knows I’ll roll over and take it.”

“So stop,” Remus said. “And I know that’s a hell of a lot easier said than done, but you have a support system here who can help. And believe me, someone like Gilderoy is going to be more concerned about his reputation than anything. Threaten that—threaten to spill his secrets, and he’ll leave you alone.”

Sirius took in a shaking breath. “I don’t know how to. It’s…it’s too easy to just give in. Because when he’s being…well himself…it makes me forget about all the other stuff.”

Remus let out a tiny sigh, and leant his head against Sirius’ shoulder. He heard the other man let out a small noise, like a gasp, but he didn’t draw attention to it. “If you want to leave him, and if you need somewhere to be, someone who isn’t going to make you think…I’m here for you.”

There was a long pause, then Sirius nudged him and laughed. “Moony, are you doing something nice and selfless for the prat who made you fall flat on your face?”

“Sirius,” Remus said, unable to hide his grin, “if I were to hold a grudge against anyone and everything that ever made me fall flat on my face, I’d be a very, very lonely man.”

Sirius chuckled again. “I…thanks. I don’t deserve it but…”

“Yes,” Remus said almost harshly. “Yes you do. I know it’s easier to say it than it is for you to believe it. I know me insisting it’s fine isn’t going to erase however many years people spent making you feel unworthy, but I’m not going to sit here and listen to you say that about yourself and not remind you that you are deserving. You are as much as I am.”

Sirius let out a slow breath. “If I erm…if I really did leave him…”

“Sirius, would you let Harry be with someone like Gilderoy?”

Sirius stiffened and sucked in his breath. “Of course not. I…”

“Don’t you think maybe James and Lily—and even Harry when he’s old enough to understand—would feel the same way about you.”

Sirius was quiet for a long time. Then he pulled out another fag and began to smoke it.

“If you really do leave him,” Remus said, and reached out, taking Sirius’ hand in his, “come visit with me. Hang out at the shop. Have tea at mine. Whatever you need. I’m your friend.”

Sirius blew smoke out of his nostrils, looking a bit like a tortured dragon. “I’m your friend too, Moony. And…and thanks.”

*** 

Remus didn’t see Sirius for the better part of two weeks. He casually asked after him, and James merely said that he was fine and just needed more time at the studio, so Lily was minding Harry. Of course Remus was worried, but apart from their conversation, they hadn’t established friendship boundaries, and thanks to his horrible crush Remus was second guessing everything he was thinking, everything he was doing.

So he suffered and worried in silence.

It was a Saturday, the Potters were at home with Harry who was poorly along with James, and Remus was filling in for most of the week until his boss was better. “He’s a bloody infant,” Lily had complained over the phone early into his shift. “Remus, if there’s an emergency and you need me…”

“I feel like it would be so unethical,” Remus said with a laugh.

“I hate you right now,” Lily groused. “Bloody reasonable bastard.”

Remus chuckled. “Just you all feel better and no worries, okay? Tell James it’s fine and I’ve got this. It hasn’t been too busy and I’m getting my revising done and keeping the place going.”

“Thanks, love.”

Just as Remus settled back into his reading, the door bell chimed and Remus looked up. For a second, he was startled and disbelieving. Sirius Black stood in the doorway, looking a bit wind-swept and almost on the verge of tears. When he reached out to shut the door, Remus noticed his hands were trembling.

“Flick the lock,” Remus said.

Sirius blinked. “It’s only noon.”

“I don’t care. We’re having lunch and tea. You look dead on your feet.”

Sirius let out a high, tight laugh and did as Remus asked. As he stumbled toward the sofa, Remus went into the small staff room to fetch what he’d brought himself for lunch—bit of take away pasta he’d ordered the night before. It was cold, but it was something, and he busied himself with the kettle.

When he came back into the room, leaning heavy on one crutch with the tea in his other hand, he made his way to Sirius who was sat forward, head hanging down pointed toward his thighs. He glanced up when Remus approached, and gave him a grateful smile when he took the tea.

“Thanks. I erm…”

“Did he hurt you when you left?”

Sirius sipped the tea, then swiped the back of his hand across his mouth. “Not physically. He…we were rowing because he doesn’t think I’m trying hard enough with this album release. Says I’m going to sully my reputation before it begins by associating with the likes of the Potters.”

Remus’ eyes went wide. “Is that why you stopped picking up Harry?”

“No!” Sirius said roughly. “No, there was some software glitch and I had to re-record an hour’s worth of music that was lost. Which took all bloody week.”

Remus felt his shoulders relax a bit. “Alright.”

Sirius scrubbed his face with his hands, then looked at Remus. His expression was that of utter and complete misery, and Remus felt the strong desire to just hold him. “I tried to ignore him, you know? But James was the first and only person who ever loved me unconditionally. And he’s my family. He’s my _everything_. And Harry’s…” Sirius trailed off, shaking his head. “Eventually I cracked and just started shouting at him. He raised a hand to me and I told him if he touched me like that again, I’d take to twitter. I’d take to the media. He backed up and told me to get out, and I did.”

“I’m proud of you,” Remus murmured, putting his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “I really am.”

Sirius shook his head. “I just…I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to get my shit together, you know? Because you and James are both right. I can’t keep letting people treat me like this. I just…I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t you have a launch tour coming up?” Remus asked, feeling oddly bereft at the idea that Sirius could be leaving. “Maybe you’ll find something out there.”

Sirius swallowed, then slowly reached up a hand, tracing the tips of his fingers along Remus’ jaw. “Maybe. But I…I think I fancy you.”

Remus felt his heart leap into his throat and he was flooded with want and desire and need. But he shook his head, betraying every fibre of his being. “That’s a bad idea, Sirius.”

He let out a choked laugh, but instead of pulling his hand away, he cupped Remus’ cheek, then drew his hand round the back of his neck. “I know. It’s a fucking dreadful idea. Why would someone like you want some absolute rubbish mess like me?”

“It’s not about that,” Remus said very quietly, leaning into the touch. “It isn’t. Sirius, you are so worthy and deserving of love, but you’re hurt and scared and lonely. And I don’t want to be some replacement. I don’t want to be used for comfort.”

“I don’t,” Sirius said, and stopped when he choked up. He squeezed his eyes shut. “It’s not that. You’re…fuck, Remus. You’re more than I have words for. You’re beautiful and kind of mean—but in a way that kind of strips people bare and forces them to show themselves how they really are. And you’re incredibly kind and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner.”

Remus felt his breath coming in short gasps, but he didn’t let himself give in. “You need to find out what you really want. Because if I agree and we date and suddenly you wake up one day wanting something else…”

“Okay,” Sirius breathed. He pushed his nose against Remus’ face. “I promise I’ll take some time. I have to leave in a week, and I’ll be gone six months. But if I come back, would you let me take you out?”

“I don’t know,” Remus admitted. “Sirius I don’t know if I can take the risk.”

“I don’t know isn’t a no,” Sirius pointed out.

Remus laughed and going against everything he knew he ought to, he reached out and pulled Sirius close. “It isn’t a no. But I have to protect myself.”

“Yeah,” Sirius breathed. “Can I please kiss you? Here?” He pushed his finger into Remus’ cheek, and Remus nodded.

His breath hitched in his chest hard as Sirius’ soft, warm lips brushed against his skin, over and over, feathering kisses along his cheek. 

“Sirius I…” Remus swallowed. “I think you should go. Go get sorted. And when you come back, at the very least, you’ll have a friend here waiting. And I don’t mean James.”

Sirius smiled and kissed his cheek once more. “You’re really amazing, Moony. Take care of Harry for me, okay?”

“Of course I will,” Remus said. He gave Sirius’ hand a squeeze before he rose and walked backward toward the door.

Giving Remus a mock salute, and the saddest smile Remus had ever seen another person wear, Sirius opened the door and was gone. Without a goodbye. Without ceremony.

And Remus had to wonder if he would ever see him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the end.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. So much fluff, uhg.

Remus grimaced as he felt the starts of a spasm in his arm. His hand was resting in his lap, but he could tell from the twinges it was going to be a bad one. Glancing up at his date who was giving him The Pity Look, he tried not to roll his eyes.

“Alright, there?”

Remus licked his lips. “Yeah. Just…need a minute or two. Go on and eat though, it’s fine.”

“Why don’t you just let me cut this up for you and you can…” He started to reach across the table, to take Remus’ plate, but Remus grabbed it and held it down hard.

“Don’t,” he said, his tone icy. “That isn’t okay.”

Benjy flushed and let his hand go slowly. “Was only trying to help.”

“I didn’t ask for it.” It felt like a common theme on the three dates they’d been on—Benjy offering unsolicited assistance and Remus telling him to stop. He understood able-bodied people didn’t get it all the time, and that often they meant well. Benjy didn’t actively think of Remus as less or incapable, but his habits were terrible.

And it only served to make Remus think about Sirius. Sirius who had once tried something stupid, and after being told off, had learnt. And stopped. And that was it.

But Sirius had been gone for months and months now. Far longer than his six month release tour. Remus occasionally got emails from him, catching him up on the road, on his work. He was in LA discussing a new recording contract though he wasn’t sure he wanted to be based out of the States.

He was dating, leaving Remus with white-hot jealousy pooling in his gut every time he thought about Sirius rubbing elbows—and possibly other things—with the American Royalty. But who was he to tell Sirius not to. He had been working hard on reinventing and relearning himself and Remus was nothing if not proud of Sirius’ accomplishments.

His single had skyrocketed to the top of the charts, and he had officially “made it”.

The newest sensation.

Every time Remus heard the song, there was a strong ache behind his ribs that wouldn’t go away.

He was on a date now, with Benjy Fenwick—an old school mate of Lily’s who was very nice and very good looking. And Remus wanted to make it work, if only to stop the pining.

Yet he found himself here now glowering across the table and being far less forgiving of Ben’s faux pas mostly because he wasn’t Sirius. And he knew that wasn’t fair.

The spasm in his arm finally stopped, and Remus was able to get back to his dinner without further incident. It was let go, the conversation more amicable, and Remus had a couple of drinks to help ease the tension from his body.

“So I was thinking,” Benjy said as Remus climbed into the car, “New Years is coming up and I thought maybe you’d want to spend it with me? I mean, I know we’ve only had a few dates but…”

“I don’t know,” Remus said quietly. “I’m not sure I’m up for doing anything.”

Benjy sighed. “Remus, you know if there’s something you want to say…”

“It’s not working,” Remus blurted. “I’d say it’s not you, but it is a little bit. You can’t keep trying to do things for me.”

“I’m only…”

“I know what you’re only,” Remus said. “Everyone’s always only trying to do one thing or another for me to try and make my life easier, but that’s not how it works. Cutting up my sodding chicken is only going to serve to make me feel like a bloody child and I’m not. I’ve lived like this my entire life and I’ve got by until now. I can feed and dress myself. I have a job, I’m nearly finished with University, I can mind public transport all on my own, and bloody well manage my own dinner. And I just…I can’t keep doing this.” With that, he reached for the door handle and opened it.

“Look don’t. Let’s talk about this, please. I promise I can be better,” Benjy begged.

Remus got out of the car, firmly planting his crutches on the ground before he turned and leant in toward the other man. “You’re really fit, and incredibly nice and maybe in another life I would have given you a chance to learn. Because you’re trying. But the truth is, I keep comparing you to someone else and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m going to walk home. Honestly, I could use the time to think.”

He didn’t give Benjy a second to reply, closing the door, and he headed back up away from the car and watched as Benjy struggled, but eventually pulled away and headed down the street. Remus let out a breath, watching the steam from his mouth at the violent December cold, but he needed the shock to his system.

Trying to get over Sirius like this was the worst thing in the world. There was a damn good chance he wasn’t coming back—and if he did, he might not be single. And if he was…

Remus wasn’t sure it was worth it to invest. Not when he was already so gone over him. If Sirius treated him like something expendable, it would destroy Remus from the inside out, and he didn’t want to spend years putting himself back together.

It was a right, bloody mess, and he wasn’t sure how to get out of it.

*** 

If the Universe was one thing, though, it was cruel. Which was what Remus learnt four days before the new year.

“Mate, I think you’re too hard on yourself, and on the people who clearly want to date you,” James scolded.

Remus, who was stocking books in his wheelchair, rolled his eyes. He grabbed the edge of the rolling cart, then moved forward to the second shelf. “James, just because he wanted to date me doesn’t mean I want to date him. And fit or not, it just wasn’t there. He kept trying to cut up my food and carry me.”

James, who was leant against the far shelf with his cane held loosely in his hand, sighed. “Really? He tried to carry you?”

“Up the stairs,” Remus groused. “It was so embarrassing.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you about him again.”

“I appreciate you trying to set me up,” Remus said, “but I just don’t think I’m cut out for dating. And I’m not going to just settle for someone simply because they want to date me. I’m tired of giving gold stars to people just because they like me in spite of my disability.”

James winced. “I get it. I do.”

“I know you do,” Remus said. He shoved the last book into the shelf, then spun his chair to face his friend. “But not everyone can be as lucky as you got with Lily—and that’s alright. I’m not wasting away. If I really need a shag that bad, I can go out and get one.”

“I just want you to be happy,” James replied miserably.

“I know this,” Remus said from behind a laugh. “I know you want to share your joy and make everyone as dazed on love as you and your bloody wife are. But it’s not for everyone, and that’s alright.”

James moved forward, hitting Remus’ wheel with his cane before dropping a hand on his shoulder. “Come to ours for New Years, huh? Have some drinks and crash in the guest room and it’ll be nice.”

“I think I’m going to stay in,” Remus said. “It’s not a big deal for me. And the weather is predicting one of the worst storms Britain has ever seen.”

“Yes, and the weather reports are always absolute rubbish,” James muttered. “Just think about it.”

“If I promise to give it a proper think, will you stop pestering me?” Remus asked as he watched James head for the door to pick up Harry.

James laughed. “Absolutely not. But I’ll lighten up.”

“Best I’ll get,” Remus grumbled, but he was smiling.

Once the shop was empty, Remus wheeled back behind the counter and picked up his book. Now that the term was over, he was able to catch up on some reading he’d been dying to get done. With the weather such shit, the shop had been mostly empty after the holidays, and though Remus knew the Potters were hurting a little, he appreciated the post-holiday reprieve.

He settled back, propping the book up on one knee, and didn’t look up until the door chimed.

At first he was annoyed, trying to mask it and prepare his Customer Service Smile, but it only made it half way as he looked up. He blinked several times, not sure he was properly seeing what he thought he was seeing.

Sirius Black.

In ripped jeans and a leather jacket, smiling widely as he moved all the way inside the shop. “Bloody hell,” he said in a voice Remus hadn’t heard for what felt like years, “I forgot how sodding cold it gets here!”

Remus blinked and blinked. “I…what…are you doing here?”

“Surprising you,” Sirius said, crossing the distance and leaning over the counter. “Did it work.”

Remus coughed. “Christ, yes. I’m…I can’t believe you’re here!” He abandoned all thoughts of not wanting to be hurt in favour of standing up and yanking Sirius across the counter, into a firm hug. “Do James and Lily know?”

“Nope,” Sirius said, pushing his face into the crook of Remus’ neck. “Going to surprise them as well. I saw Jamie heading down the street to pick up Harry, so I thought I’d get myself all comfy before he gets back.”

“He’s going to kill you,” Remus said with a laugh.

Sirius chuckled, running his fingers into Remus’ hair. “I’ve no doubt. It’s so good to see you, Moony. I missed you.”

Remus swallowed against the lump in his throat. “I missed you too.” Pulling away, he put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and squeezed. “You want some tea?”

“Oh my god, Moony, those are the best words you have ever said to me. I found a few shops in LA that sold imported tea—bloody Yorkshire is _imported_ and I don’t even care how much money I’ve made off this album, I am not paying ten quid for a packet of ten bags.”

Remus laughed as he sat back in his chair and headed for the kettle. He only made the one cup, knowing his stomach was in knots too tight to handle anything, and eventually he came back and offered it out to Sirius.

He had to bite his lip as Sirius made an obscene groan over the first sip. “Fuck. Marry me.”

Remus laughed. “Too high maintenance for me, I’m afraid.” He pulled his chair near the sofa, then slipped out so he could sit next to Sirius. “So how long are you back for?”

“Good, I think. My manager said the deal they were offering me was shite, and honestly I can’t live away from you lot. I mean, I haven’t seen Harry in months. He’s probably forgotten me by now.”

Remus laughed. “Hardly. Every day he groans about how his mum or dad doesn’t do it right when they pick him up. There’s not enough chocolate and far too much veg in his life. I try to sneak him some, but Lily always catches me.”

“She’s evil,” Sirius said with a grin, then took another long drink. “Anyway, so I’ve still got my flat and I’ll be in the studio tomorrow talking about a second album.”

“That’s brilliant,” Remus said quietly. There was a small flood of disappointment because back or not, Sirius’ career was taking off and it was sure to lead him in a life where he would, at some point, no longer know Remus. Not really. Not like this.

They chatted a little longer, Sirius telling a few stories about mad events, and Remus telling Sirius about his one and only relationship of four dates and terrible split.

“He…he tried to carry you?” Sirius asked, his eyes wide.

Remus snorted. “Yeah. Bridal-style. Just sort of whipped me up in his arms and I think he expected me to swoon.”

“That stupid fuck,” Sirius growled. “Is he still round? I can punch him if you want—since I know you’re more of the passive sort.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “He’s not, and even if he were, I think I’d leave the punching to James.”

“James is a twat,” Sirius replied, as though it was an automatic response. He grinned at Remus after that, reaching over and squeezing his knee. “Fucking hell it’s so good to see you.”

Remus swallowed, not sure how to reply and Sirius was still touching him which made his head spin, unable to hold on to a thought. Before he could even begin to try, his mobile began to buzz and he startled, fumbling into his pocket.

“Hello?”

“I’ve got Harry,” came James’ voice. “We’re stopping for a hot chocolate. Would you like anything?”

“I’m alright,” Remus said, glancing at Sirius who was making a shushing motion with his finger. Remus nodded, rolling his eyes a bit. “See you when you get here, yeah?”

“No more than ten minutes. No crisis at the shop?”

“All good here,” Remus said.

James rang off, and Remus looked at Sirius with a blank expression. “I want him to be surprised,” Sirius defended.

“I wasn’t going to say anything. And anyway he’ll be here in ten minutes so you’d better get ready.”

Sirius licked his lips, then shifted closer. “Actually I wanted to…I mean before he gets here I thought we could…”

“Sirius,” Remus said wearily.

“Look I know I didn’t keep in touch but…Moony I couldn’t stop bloody thinking about you. Every second. Compared every date to you and…I mean maybe I’ll never be perfect, but I’ve been doing better. I’m seeing a therapist, and I’m happy for the first time in my life.” Sirius’ hands clenched into loose fists and he let out a breath. “I just want a chance. And…and I want to take you out for New Years. Just you and me. Some stupidly posh dinner—give us a reason to get dressed up and act like twats. And I want to kiss you at midnight because a midnight kiss ought to mean something and you’re the only one who does.”

Remus swallowed. “I don’t know, Sirius. I don’t think I can handle if things go bad.”

“I can’t promise they won’t,” Sirius said, inching even closer. “But I can promise to try my damndest. I really like you. Fancy the pants off you, in fact. And I just…I can be good to you, Remus.”

Unable to tear himself away from Sirius’ grey eyes, and seeing the utter and desperate sincerity in them, Remus swallowed and then found himself nodding. “We’ll see how the next few days go, and if they’re not shit, then we can talk about New Years.”

Sirius threw his arm round Remus’ shoulder and buried his face in Remus’ neck. “You’ve no idea how terrified I was that you’d turn me down. These last months were horrible without you and the Potters and I just…you lot are my home.”

“I missed you too,” Remus murmured, not sure what else to say.

Luckily just after, James came in and the entire situation turned into Harry screaming that Padfoot was home, and dodging James’ attempted murder.

*** 

Remus fidgeted at the counter, tugging on his suit jacket, and adjusting his tie for the sixth time. “God, I look ridiculous. I…I’m not meant to wear a suit, James. He’s going to come in and laugh and refuse to take me out.”

“First of all, now that it’s all out in the open,” James said, leaning on the counter, “I can tell you he’s been gone of you for a while now. He didn’t directly say it, but he’s also the most unsubtle person of all time. And secondly, I can’t say whether or not you look rubbish for obvious reasons.”

“Prat,” Remus muttered.

James threw his head back and laughed before walking round the corner and putting his hand on Remus’ arm. He trailed his fingers round the outside of the suit, stopping to make a final adjustment on the tie, and fix the collar. “You’re fine. You could show up in sodding pyjamas and he’d think you were the most gorgeous man on the planet, Remus.” James brought a hand up to pat Remus’ cheek. “Relax.”

“But…”

“No,” James interrupted. “This is Sirius Black, alright? The wanker who took the detention for me when I flooded our Headmaster’s office, and got Lily through her pregnancy with every mad craving because I couldn’t drive, and could be the biggest sodding music star on the planet but would want to spend his weekends here helping us sell books. And he’s mad for you and frankly I can’t think of a better person on the planet to love you than him.”

Remus bowed his head. “I’m just…a bit scared. I don’t want to get hurt.”

“Relationships hurt, Remus,” James said softly. “But forgiveness is easy when you love the person.”

“You’re the worst,” Remus growled, but let James tug him in for a kiss to the cheek.

“You love me,” James said fondly.

Remus huffed. “Keep telling yourself that.”

Just then the door opened and Remus nearly lost his breath when he saw Sirius walk through in a perfectly cut, form-fitting suit. His hair was in a long plait down his back, his smile bright the second he saw Remus, though it darkened when he noticed James’ arm round him.

“Oy, Potter! Get your own adorable Moony. This one is off limits.”

Remus huffed, but didn’t protest when Sirius bodily pulled him away from James’ grasp. “Do you mind?”

“Not at all,” Sirius said. He pressed a soft kiss to Remus’ cheek. “You look amazing by the way. So amazing I want to cry.”

“What did I say?” James asked.

“Shut up,” Remus growled.

James laughed, then kissed them both. “Go have fun. I don’t want to see either of your faces until after the New Year. And no blind jokes!” he added just as Sirius opened his mouth.

“James Potter, professional fun killer,” Sirius complained. “I’m parked right out front.”

Remus muttered his goodbyes to James, then followed Sirius out to his car. “I hope you’ve got somewhere amazing planned. It’s the New Year. I have high expectations, and I’m not easily impressed.”

Sirius barked a laugh as he switched on the car and pulled away from the kerb. “The best place. I’ve thought this through, trust me. It’s the place James took Lily when he proposed.”

“Oh god. You’re not proposing, are you?”

“What do I look like, Moony?”

Remus gave him a withering stare. “The twattish, dramatic sort who would propose on a first date.”

“Well shows how little you know me,” he said with a sniff. “I fully intend on being a total bastard, ignoring you, and making you foot the bill.”

Remus snickered a little as they navigated the streets. It was incredibly cold, and snow had just begun to fall as they made it to the valet. Snow was starting to blanket the street, but it was clear enough that Remus felt safe to walk with his crutches without slipping. He appreciated, though, the unassuming way Sirius kept close to his elbow as they headed for the doors.

The doorman opened it with a flourish, and Remus stopped dead. Ahead of them stood a massive staircase at least fifteen tall. He glanced at Sirius who’d gone incredibly pink in the cheeks, and was twisting his hands.

“Buggering fuck. I fucking _forgot_.”

Remus blinked. “You forgot?”

“I’ve never been here and James had mentioned the stairs but it just didn’t…fuck. Moony I am so sorry. God. Okay we can find somewhere else, really.”

“Sirius,” Remus said in a weary tone, “it’s New Years Eve. Nowhere is going to have space for us. I can…it’ll take me a while, but we’re going up. You put a lot of thought into this date. As…forgetful as you appeared to be.”

Sirius hung his head, but didn’t say a word as he took one crutch from Remus whilst Remus used the railing to steady himself. The pace was slow, and Remus was exhausted by the time they reached the landing, but he gave a determined square of his shoulders and nodded.

They were met by the host, and immediately shown to their table which was by the window. The glass was dim and foggy, but gave an incredible view of the street below.

“Okay the stairs were shite,” Remus said, “but this is amazing. James chose it?”

“For the view,” Sirius said with a wry grin. “And the help of Yelp reviews.”

Remus chuckled. “Oh my god. Of course he did. Only James sodding Potter.”

After that, the date went well. So well, Remus was a bit terrified. Sirius was a gentleman the entire time, he knew his wines and what to pair them with. They had the most delicious courses Remus had ever tasted, and he nearly cried when they brought a flourless chocolate cake that tasted of liquid, dark fudge.

“Oh my god,” Remus groaned. “I won’t marry you, but I might marry this cake right now.”

“I could get ordained, but I think cake-human marriage is technically against the law.”

“Bugger,” Remus said as he licked his spoon, and didn’t miss the way Sirius’ eyes went dark. “Oh well.”

“Mm.” Sirius swallowed thickly, then turned his gaze back outside where his eyes widened. “Shit. Look at that.”

Remus glanced over and saw inches of snow now covered the pavement. “Oh god. Can you drive in that?”

“Slowly. Very, very slowly,” Sirius said. He signalled for the bill and handed off his card straight away. “You’re not far from here.”

Remus hummed, looking down at the buckets of snow piling up. “It’s supposed to be bad. Your flat is far, isn’t it?”

Sirius sighed. “I should be fine.”

“No,” Remus said. “Stay at mine and go in the morning when the streets have cleared. Snow and drink driving—I’m not comfortable with that.”

“I’ve only had a glass,” Sirius complained. 

Remus rolled his eyes. “Not you, you absolute arse. Other people. I didn’t think I’d have to beg to get you to stay at mine.”

Sirius’ smile quirked, and he swallowed. “Right. Er. Yours. Okay I can do that.”

Remus tried not to sigh, but failed, though it was fond. He waited patiently, ignoring a pointed stare from their server mostly because he was used to it, and before long they were heading back down the stairs at Remus’ near-crawl.

“I swear I will never make another reservation again without asking if the place is accessible,” Sirius vowed as they waited for the valet.

“Well we’re just lucky I wasn’t in my chair today,” Remus reminded him. When Sirius looked like a kicked puppy, Remus transferred one of his crutches over, then drew Sirius in tight. “It’s alright. I had an amazing time.” He finished off his declaration with a kiss to Sirius’ cheek, and felt the skin heat up under his lips.

Sirius didn’t say much, but he stayed with his face pressed up against Remus’ until the car was brought round. It slid precariously on the icy, snowy street, but the valet manged to get it to a stop before careening over the kerb and killing anyone.

When they climbed in, Remus spent the entire drive in a white-knuckled grip on the door handle, but Sirius managed to get the car to Remus’ intact and crash-free. Luckily people who were brave—or stupid enough—to chance the weather, were still out waiting for Big Ben to chime in the new year, so there were few people milling about.

Remus got them inside, though even the short walk had them chilled to the bone, and he quickly flicked on the heat as Sirius stamped the snow off his shoes and bottom of his trousers.

“I’ve got pyjama bottoms and t-shirts,” Remus said, leaning his crutches against the table and using the wall to balance him as he moved back toward his bedroom. “Feel free to make tea or something, and I’ll get you something to wear.”

Sirius murmured his assent, and Remus went to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him and then taking a deep breath. Sirius was in his flat. In his flat and would be spending the night, and Remus wasn’t sure he could resist if Sirius wanted more. He wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to resist him.

Bowing his head, he gathered himself, then went to his wardrobe and changed out of his suit. It felt much better to finally be in comfortable clothes, and he grabbed a spare for Sirius who he knew would appreciate it.

Heading back to the lounge, he found Sirius sat on the sofa with the fire just getting started, and his guitar case propped against his table. Sirius gave him a sheepish grin. “I know it’s stupid, but I’ve had her forever and I can’t risk losing her. She was the only thing I was able to take with me when I left my home.”

Remus felt his entire being soften toward him a little as he carefully moved toward the sofa. A few steps in, he tripped and caught himself, deciding a crawl was safer, and eventually eased himself up next to Sirius who was watching with a small smile. “I fall a lot.”

“I can see that,” Sirius replied. “Are those for me?”

Remus shoved the clothes over. “Go get dry. Bring my duvet back from my bed on your way and we can snuggle.”

Remus didn’t miss the way Sirius’ breath hitched, then sped up as he scrambled away to do as he was asked. Remus felt his entire body tingle with anticipation of having Sirius’ arms round him, watching a snowstorm out the window, a fire going, and feeling surrounded by love.

He flicked on the telly for some distraction, the image of Big Ben showing up in between breaks for whatever shitty programme they were showing. He turned the sound all the way off, then waited impatiently for the other mans’ return.

Sirius took a while, but eventually showed up with the duvet wrapped round him, up over his head and across his shoulders. He gave Remus a funny grin, then flopped onto the sofa, as he spread the duvet into the air, letting it land across their laps.

He wasted no time tucking into Remus’ side. “I literally could not think of a single better way to spend New Years than like this. Right here.”

“Not even some posh, fancy party?” Remus asked as his hand strayed to the bobble holding Sirius’ plait. He pulled it off and let his fingers card through locks that were still a little damp.

Sirius groaned, leaning his head into Remus’ hand gently. “Fuck fancy parties. I just spent the last ten months thinking about you, Remus. And I can’t believe I’m here right now.”

Remus let his eyes close a bit. “Neither can I. I told myself I wasn’t going to do this when you got back. That I wasn’t going to let myself get invested. Yet here I am, like a fool…”

“A gorgeous fool,” Sirius murmured. “One I very much want to kiss.”

Remus swallowed thickly as he looked down at Sirius’ half-lidded eyes and sleepy smile. “Yeah?”

“You don’t have to. I just…you know. Thought you should know how I feel.”

Remus carefully cupped Sirius’ cheek and turned his head up. “I want to.”

Sirius’ cheeks went pink again, and he adjusted himself up so their noses were touching at the tip. Their breath mingled first, and neither of them were brave enough to close the distance. Then Sirius’ breath hitched and Remus immediately pushed his face forward.

Their lips met, not too gentle, not too hard. Definitely not perfect. They couldn’t match a rhythm and Remus’ leg began to spasm, throwing them off a little, but neither stopped. Sirius clutched Remus round the ribs tight, and Remus fisted his hand into the front of Sirius’ borrowed t-shirt.

When Remus moaned, Sirius matched him, and soon Remus was on his back and Sirius was crouched between his legs. “God fucking damn,” Sirius muttered.

Remus laughed. “Yeah. You know, my bed is far more comfortable. And we can actually sleep there.”

It was a scrabble of limbs and Remus falling twice as they made it to the bedroom. But as Remus crawled on the bed, Sirius wrenched the window open before diving under the covers and pulling Remus firmly against his chest. “I want to hear Big Ben, so I can kiss you at midnight. My promise to you that I plan to end the year with you, just like I started it.”

“Sirius,” Remus said softly, carefully.

“No,” Sirius said, cupping Remus cheek. “I mean it. I’ve spent a lot of time fucking up, and a lot of time not being good to myself. But you are amazing, and I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I plan to make sure you always know how grateful I am.”

“You deserve it for being you, Sirius,” Remus reminded him. “You existing is enough for me.”

Sirius’ eyes went suspiciously bright and watery, but he surged up and kissed Remus again. Eventually, with slicked fingers and careful positioning, Sirius was inside him and moving in a rhythm making them both gasp and beg for more. He kissed him and kissed him and kissed him.

Just as Remus was crying out, his orgasm splashing against his stomach, he felt the heat and swell inside him with Sirius’ as the other man cried, then pressed a bruising kiss to his lips.

Eventually Sirius rolled away, cleaning them up with a discarded t-shirt and depositing the condom into the small bin by the bed. Remus drew Sirius’ against his chest, face-to-face, and in the quiet distance the heard the chime.

With every one, Sirius kissed him. And with every one, Remus kissed back.

When the final chime rang through the night, and there was a distant cheer and the sound of crackers and poppers, Sirius lifted up on his elbow and cupped Remus’ cheek.

“I know this is mad but…but I don’t care. I love you, Remus. And you don’t have to feel it or say it back. But it’s yours to know.”

Remus blinked, then pulled Sirius down to kiss him hard. “You’re an idiot.”

Sirius laughed and shook his head. “I know.”

And then they fell together, letting the winter night claim them in sleep.

*** 

With morning came a fresh blanket of snow, the streets closed, and the promise of days stuck inside Remus’ flat together. But that didn’t matter.

What mattered was the first morning of the new year, Remus looking into Sirius’ eyes first thing, and feeling his lips curve round the words before he heard and processed them. “You know, I love you too.”

Sirius went bright and happy, holding Remus sleepily and careful around his middle. He nuzzled against Remus’ chest and took a hug breath. “I knew I’d wear you down, Remus Lupin. And now that I’ve got you, I’m not letting you go.”


End file.
